I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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