Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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