sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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