if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
