I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
