You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
