we have pet lesbian snakes
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
