I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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