My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
