My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
