I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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