After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
