I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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