Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
