the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
