its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
