the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
