We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
