my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
