Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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