I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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