If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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