I just found puke in my bra..
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
