So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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