Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
