Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
