Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
