there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
