he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
