My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
