Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
