I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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