Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
