Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Michael Bay diarrhea
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
