I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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