You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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