omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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