he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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