I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?