What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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