Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
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Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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