When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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