Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
