Farmville is her only friend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
