Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
