Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
