Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
