my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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