Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
