Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
