how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
