I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
