She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
