thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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