Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
